FUBAR'd

A sad story gentle readers. Apparently my Foodie Karma Account is seriously in the negative. I was forced to withdraw from Guys Can Cook Too competition that took place over the weekend due to my paycheck NOT being delivered on schedule, leaving me unable to purchase the necessary product to prepare 600 servings of my pulled pork appetizer. Sucktastic doesn't begin to describe it. My final dry run held the over the weekend of the 15th and 16th produced fantastic results - the best pulled pork I've ever had, no doubt about it. The combination of applewood and hickory produced a rich, smoky flavor that permeated the meat but did overpower it. My dry rub caramelized into a succulent bark. I had moved well beyond any concern about embarrassing failures and was suddenly enthusiastic about my chances in capturing the appetizer division. NOT. TO. BE.

Once my rage had subsided, I was able to give myself over to some quiet reflection/beer consumption and concluded that the real goal wasn't the competition but the pork itself.. of acquiring the hard won knowledge of what it takes to produce truly good BBQ. In that regards, I kicked @$$ and intend to so again very soon. Memorial Day is right around the corner, and I've got several pints of my competition BBQ sauce on deck and ready to go. I can assure you, there will be no taking of prisoners.

Food Porn #1

Birthday Dinner:

Salmon Chop with shallot-sherry cream
Roasted baby red potatoes with crispy salmon "bacon" bits
Sonoma greens in a Meyer lemon vinaigrette

Yes, it's low rent but the food was pretty damn good. The salmon "chop" is actually a noisette. If that makes me the Ron Jeremy of food porn then so be it. There's more on the way so just get used to it.

Pig-a-palooza

Yes, the pig is such a noble beast it deserves to star in an event all it's own. Pig-palooza was conceived as a chance to fine tune the cooking regimen I'll be employing during the 12th Annual Guys Can Cook Too competition. I'm entered in the appetizer division, and I'll be serving Savory Pulled Pork Bites: slow smoked pork shoulder served on a buttermilk bread round and topped with my Char-B-Q Sauce and pinch of coleslaw. I had just acquired a vertical water smoker and needed to dial that in and become familiar with maintaining my fire. Pig-a-palooza was a chance to experiment on family and friends to determine how the smoker would perform but most importantly what I'll be facing in terms of portions and service. To that end, Pig-a-palooza was big success even if small in scale. The biggest lesson learned was that I need to start with my pork shoulder cold and build my fire up slowly up from 200 to 225. Apparently, if the pork heats too quickly you won't achieve proper smoke penetration along with the possibility of overdoing some of the outer portions of the shoulder - which is what happened. So to recap: room temperature meat is for grilling, cold meat is for smoking. D-oh!

As you'll see, this was a very relaxed gig with people dropping by whenever they wanted and staying as long as they wanted in order to simulate the crowd traffic at the event and issues with keeping the pork warm over a four hour period.




The serious chef, tough but fair.


The service table, mirroring the workspace I'll have at the competition.


Anonymous comments from guests provided valuable feedback, as well as some comedic fodder.


The crowd starts to get unruly.



Some serious pig talk went down.


If you missed Pig-a-palooza do not despair. I'll be doing this again no doubt!

MasterChef Open Casting Call

Flashback to Jan 20. I'm busy compiling a list of culinary contests in which to enter my BBQ Sauce when I ran across a posting for an open casting call for Gordon Ramsay's MasterChef, set to debut on Fox later this year. Gastro Hounds had to make an appearance. The format was this: contestants would have five minutes to plate a dish, and were to be graded by a culinary judge and casting director. In a addition, a lenthy application and photo of the finished dish were required upon arrival at the event. The competition was set for Jan 24th, so I had very little time to prepare. To make matters worse, my vehicle was suffering from an as yet undiagnosed problem. I would therefor need to make a 2 1/2 hour bus ride in order to participate. After a lengthy search, I settled on a soup and salad theme: gazpacho paired with a salpicon of braised beef, potato, onion and chipotle combined with sherry vinegar and olive oil served on Belgian Endive. Both dishes would be dressed with a lime/cilantro vinegretta. These dishes are intended to served slightly chilled which alleviated the problem of keeping something warm over an extended period of time. Working on 3 hours sleep, I set out at 5 a.m. on the 24th in order to reach my destination in plenty of time, hopefully towards the front of what I expected to be a long line.

The weather was angry that morning, like an old man returning his fetid clam chowder at the Early Bird Special. I quickly secured some coffee at Celtic Coffee Company and hoofed it to Sur La Table on Maiden Lane which was hosting the event. I made it in good time, eventually securing spot #44. Not bad. The line grew quickly, and the weather continued to deteriorate. To make matters worse, no bathrooms were available. The rain, wind and caffeine soon made for an uncomfortably full bladder, the assembled crowd began to get unruly. By the time groups of 12 were being ushered in to start the call, many of us didn't care. We just wanted to finish the ordeal and find the nearest facilities. The first groups were already filing out, the look of defeat etched on their faces. My group was finally let in and ushered downstairs to the test kitchens. 4 tables, set up to accomodate 3 contestants each, were directly in front of us. We received instructions that when our number was called, we should proceed to the nearest open space at one of the tables and our 5 minutes would commence immediately. I noticed that culinary judges were grilling contestants as they were trying to plate. A brutal, Iron Chef type environment. My number was called and quickly made my way to my spot on set about plating my dish. I started with the gazpacho as it was the most time consuming given the garnishing and visual presentation. A culinary judge was right there and began my interrogation. The questions involved choices of recipes, inspiration as well as actual culinary knowledge. My judge hammered me on what actually constituted a salpicon and why I had chosen that as a component. I acquitted myself well while finishing plating my gazpacho. I was ahead of schedule as the culinary judged moved off to other victims. I was coasting at this point as I started to plate the salpicon. I pulled out the head of endive and choked. The endive had been kept too cold and had turned translucent. It was unusable. My plating ruined, what little chance I had of actually advancing was shattered. I plated the salpicon directly onto the serving dish - pathetic. The casting director came over and began my second interview. I was phoning it in at this point, only wanting to pack up and make a quick escape to the nearest bathroom which is exactly what I did.

I replenished my energies with the help of a delicious dirty water hotdog from one of the many hotdog carts that dot Union Square, but was still feeling down. I made my way to Westfield Mall food court to purchase a comfort puff at Beard Papa's. If you've never had a cream puff from Beard Papa's you're missing out. These things are massive, and the filling literally explodes on your first bite. With my comfort puff securely stored in my backpack, and the dirty water dog still providing sufficient energy, I made my way back to the bus stop, nearing the coffee house where I had stopped upon exiting the bus that morning. There was a commotion out front and upon getting closer noticed that a clown was angrily accosting someone in a parked car. This was one PO'd clown, the screaming growing louder as I approached. Suddenly, the clown lunged for the car and slipped on something, landing with an audible thud...then "cut!". The crowd that had gathered to watch the altercation was actually a film crew. The director was not pleased with the proceedings, and wanted a reshoot. Shady prop guys began reshaping something on the sidewalk - a prop dog poop which is what the clown had slipped on. Great, an angry clown slipping on dog crap. It was the perfect punctuation to the end of my day. Bizarre, but all true.

I'll post the pics from my cell phone once I extract them. Also, for more info on Beard Papa's monster comfort puffs, I've posted a link on the side bar.

Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!

Happy Mardi Gras y'all. What's cookin' in the GastroHounds household for tonight? Jambalaya and Bananas Foster. Gotta have that desert. So dang good and so easy. Heck, I make that when I'm camping.

Recap: What did I make for Valentine's Day? Something I call Pork Tenderloin Von Blucher. A free jar of Char-B-Q Sauce to the first person to correctly divine the inspiration to the name of the dish: basically a pork tenderloin wrapped inside puff pastry with carmelized onions and apples, served with a sherry-cream sauce. Yes, it was scarf-o-licious. Recipe to anyone who asks.

What's next? I'll be posting on my participation in the open casting call competition for Gordon Ramsey's Chef Master's set to debut later this year on Fox. Why do you care? I'll throw this out there:

Butthead Mushroom Guy
Exploding bladders
Wilted greenery
Protein tube
Comfort puff
Angry clown
Dog turd.

...all played a vital role during my day. Come for the comedy, stay for the the discomfort.

Ape Island Quesadilla!

We have a great local Farmer's Market, and I try to make it there each Saturday morning as there always seems to be something new. The last couple of weeks were no exception with the arrival of Vini aka "Vini Volcano" - the hot sauce guy. I'm always up for adding a new hotsauce to my collection so I had to check it out. He had 2 sauces available: Volcano Sauce and Fire Monkey. Over conversation, I learned that another sauce of his: Voodoo Sauce, was recently voted best overall in a Food Network competition. So why no Voodoo? Vini related that as he makes his sauce in small batches of 6 bottles, it's very hard to keep up with demand. Well, someday I hope to share in his misery.

Unfortunately, Vini wasn't sampling that day. I would have to take my purchases home and begin my explorations there. The Volcano Sauce appears to be the base recipe and Vini keeps it simple: Serrano peppers, cask vinegar, a unique local garlic variety called "Purple Haze" (never heard of it) and the usual assorted spices. I love Serrano peppers for their elevated heat level and flavor. Given the simple list of ingredients, Volcano delivers exactly what you'd expect - Serrano heat/flavor, a hint of garlic and good acidity. An approachable, well balanced sauce. Then there's Fire Monkey, which Vini explains came about when he ran out of ingredients for a batch of sauce and grabbed some banana. Good thing, for this was the most interesting of the two. It also uses Serrano peppers but is milder in heat than the Volcano Sauce, but it's the layers of flavor that result from the banana that make this sauce unique. The banana is up front, but the sauce finishes with good acidity. However, the banana does present something of a challenge when coming up with a recipe to pair this sauce with but something came to mind almost immediately: the Ape Island Quesadilla!

While attending last year's over the top Bacchanalia of Passport Weekend in Dry Creek Valley, our party ran across a killer snack - a quesadilla with crushed pineapple and carmelized onions. We couldn't get enough. This recipe is my take on that same dish.

Ingredients:
4 tbsp olive oil
2 medium to large yellow onions
2 8oz can of crushed pineapple
1 lb pepperjack Cheese, grated
6 tbsp Fire Monkey hotsauce
Flour tortillas

Preparation:
Cut the onion into sections about 1/4 inch thick - separate individual rings. Carmelize onion in the olive oil in pan set to low/med heat until golden brown and very soft - about 1 hour
Combine the crushed pineapple and Fire Monkey sauce
To assemble:
On one tortilla, spread 1/4 of the pineapple/Fire Monkey sauce mixture evenly
Layer on 1/4 of carmelized onions and 1/4 of grated pepperjack cheese
Top with 2nd flour tortilla
Grill on lightly oiled skillet set to medium heat for about 1 minute on each side or until the tortillas have browned slightly and the cheese is melted.
Cut into 6 slices and consume in mass quantities.
Makes 4 quesadillas.

You can check out Vini's full line of sauces at http://www.piratesauce.com

Anthony Bourdain Comes to Town

Bourdain's No Reservations speaking tour came to our humble burg of Santa Rosa. No way was I going to miss this. The day before the show I caught an interview he gave to our local paper. I new the subject of our local Bette Noir of the foody world, Guy Fieri, would come up and I was curious as to what his reponse would be. Anthony admitted to a "grudging respect" for a family man working hard, doing what he wants to do (paraphrasing). It was possible Tony was softening around the edges - family man that he is now.

Soft, no. Bipolar perhaps but not soft. About 3 minutes into his presentation, it was clear that he still has his demons and the current source for his tortures is Sandra Lee - The Queen of Kitsch, Miss Smarm 2009. I find her unwatchable, though I have on occasion. I know others enjoy her show. Anthony was incapable of saying her name without attaching a few M-F bombs. His disgust was palpable: clenched teeth, the veins in his neck bulging, he was becoming Mr. Furious right there on stage. And in case any of us in attendance were in doubt regarding Sandra being the nexus of all things evil, Anthony dared us to google Kwanzaa Cake when we got home that evening. To save you the trouble, I've embedded the video for your viewing pleasure/horror.



For those who follow No Reservations routinely, Anthony's presentation delivered what one would expect. He's angry at the things he dislikes and passionate about the things he does. Vegans are still an object of derision and I don't see him backing off his recent comparison of Alice Waters to "Pol Pot in a muumuu". He's convinced Americans are eating better, that is to say enjoying the things that are truly good. He still sees the need for Americans to travel better. He described his horror at seeing a Mom accompanying her daughter into the Blue Mosque in Instanbul, during Ramadan, with the daughter looking like she had just come back from turning tricks. Perhaps that's why Anthony came to Santa Rosa. He didn't just want to play to the choir, he was hoping to impart some sorely needed wisdom upon the 1,600 folks in attendance. Following his presentation, Anthony devoted about an hour to a Q & A session which in no way felt obligatory, but there were just enough questions that made me groan. Anthony's work is not quite done.